Friday, October 3, 2008

The Butt Bra (Just Not Pretty Enough)


First, a disclaimer. I color my hair. When it’s too dark, I look like Bela Lugosi. That’s why I have no problem with improving the hand that nature dealt us (to a point). And neither do television talk show hosts – in the past two months I’ve seen a whole posse of plastic surgeons and their greatest creations cheesing from the front row. They talk about collagen, botox, restylane and some stuff made out of pig skin. There’s a lift, a tuck, a sucking out and a plumping up for every part of a not-quite-good enough body. Eager audiences applaud for women who were renewed by surgery or non-surgically “refreshed.” They squirm at big-screen shots of oozing injections. They’re shocked and sympathetic to guests with scary stories (and the scars to prove them) of surgery that made them wish they’d kept those thin lips or that A cup.

Most of the shows were mildly interesting. But when talk turned to the perky booty, one particular show became fall-down funny. So listen up: if you want a high round butt, but don’t want it cut and stuffed into a Brazilian Butt Lift, there’s a Butt Bra in your future. When I finished laughing, I had to search the net for a picture. It looked like the unholy marriage of a chastity belt and a horse bridle. What sadist created this contraption? And what woman is so desperate for a book shelf booty that she’d walk the streets bound up in an instrument of torture? I was a little ticked; there was nothing comparable for men. But before I could work up a good head of steam, I found a figure in boxer briefs, sporting “The Package Booster.” I laughed so hard I expected a knock on the door and a charge of disturbing the peace.

So here’s a question: What happens at the moment of truth when the clothes come off and the woman’s apple bottom butt drops to the back of her knees? Or when that long limousine (as promised by the Package Booster) turns into a "tiny little Volkswagen with two flat tires"? In sue-happy America I can just see these people in front of Judge Joe Brown claiming false advertising, misrepresentation of goods, bait and switch, or whatever it’s called in legalese.

The real question is “what price beauty?” And when does this craziness start? Here’s one answer: it begins when a 7 year old girl is replaced by a lip-synching stand-in because she’s “just not pretty enough.” In the words of my mother, it’s a sure sign we’re going to hell in a hand basket.

Juvederm, anyone?

12 comments:

Angelia... said...

Niambi,
that is a good place to stop, I see women who have had so much surgery and wonder, what happened, one can stay youthful and natural...

Blessings,
angelia

Niambi Brown Davis said...

I wonder as well; for some it's like an obsession. I've even seen teenagers who have gotten surgery as 16th birthday and graduation gifts. At that rate, some of them have a long road ahead in their search for perfection.

'Cilla said...

That is too funny!! I might have recorded it just to laugh when I got bored. The things people to do in the name of beauty.. but .. Hmmmm ... I need to be the fool to invent some of this stuff for extra retirement money :-)

Great conversation/eye catcher Niambi!! :-)

Dera Williams said...

I am falling down laughing. Lawdamercy! What next? It just ain't that serious. We need to learn to love the skin we are in.

Niambi Brown Davis said...

'Cilla: Maybe we can raid some of these Eastern Shore chicken farms and come up with something; isn't chicken fat better than pork? (lol)

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Dera, between the sight of that butt bra, the thing stuffed in the boxers, and some of those women who looked like their work was done by a taxidermist, I was cracking up too! You're right; it really isn't that serious. And if it is, some of them need a shrink more than a surgeon.

Lynn Emery said...

Okay, since the good Lord favored me with butt maybe I can't relate to the "butt impaired". That said - c'mon ladies! Like you said, Niambi, all that stuff has to come off sometime. I've had male pals tell me hilarious stories about these, um, unveilings. None of them stuck around long after. LOL

Seriously, taking care of your skin and body with natural products is much less expensive and painful. I love and support efforts to help women lift their self-esteem, instead of lifting various body parts using surgery (or butt bras LOL).

Gwyneth Bolton said...

This is hilarious! A butt bra? LOL. I have to say, I've always wanted one of those perky round high butts. But not enough to have surgery or wear a dang bra. I get sick of wearing the bra I have to wear every day.

I saw, I think it was Oprah or The View, where they were showing people get those injections in their face and I had to turn the channel. If I can't even watch it on TV I know I can't have it done.

Gwyneth

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Lynn, I love the term "unveiling" - that is too funny. I can imagine the guy saying "wait a minute - who are you?" And thank you for being such a constant support to women trying to make their way, in many ways.

Niambi Brown Davis said...

Hi, Gwyneth: I hear you. If a few squats and lunges won't perk it up, it will have to stay unperked (lol) Who wants to walk around strapped in AND strapped up?
I often wonder about those people being injected, lasered, etc on live TV. Suppose it went wrong and they ended up resembling a horror movie extra in front of the entire world?

raag said...

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Anonymous said...

Okay. What if nature just didn't pass you the good genes. You work out eat natural wholesome foods. Drink plenty of water. Yet at an earlier than desired age your butt hangs so far out your swim suit that you need pants to cover it up. The celulite still shows up. So you work out more only to have saggy skin on a muscular body. A woman not trying to get a man but not trying to be the talk of the beach. Why do women who have it all naturally critique women who need man made help here and there?